Introduction:
“Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love.” – Earl Grollman
After my 20-year-old daughter passed away, I was consumed by a grief so profound that it felt impossible to see past the pain. If you’re reading this, perhaps you know this feeling too. The suffocating weight of loss, the endless questions, the anger, the guilt – grief is a storm that threatens to consume everything.
But here’s what I discovered: while we cannot control loss, we can learn to release the suffering that keeps us trapped. Through my journey with various releasing techniques, I found three remarkable methods that transformed my relationship with grief.
Understanding Releasing Techniques: What They Are and Why They Work
Releasing techniques, allow you to process emotions and grief without being overwhelmed. These methods help facilitate emotional healing and can be incredibly effective. Releasing techniques are essential tools that can support you through the emotional turbulence of loss and grief.
Releasing techniques are methods designed to help you process and let go of trapped emotions, including grief, without the need to relive trauma. Understanding releasing techniques will empower you to navigate your grief with greater ease. It’s about honoring your feelings while finding ways to let go of pain.
You know what nobody tells you about grief? It’s not just emotional – it literally gets stuck in your body.
I learned this the hard way when, six months after losing my daughter, I couldn’t turn my neck properly. My doctor said it was stress, gave me muscle relaxers, and sent me home. But deep down, I knew it was more than that. It was like my body was holding all the pain I couldn’t process.
That’s when I stumbled onto the concept of releasing techniques. At first, I was skeptical. How could tapping on my face or asking myself questions help with grief this profound? But grief makes you willing to try anything, and I’m so grateful it did.
Releasing techniques are basically methods that help you process and let go of trapped emotions without having to relive the trauma or analyze it in extreme depth. They work with your body’s energy system and your thought patterns to create shifts that talk therapy alone sometimes can’t reach. The science behind it involves the amygdala – that part of your brain that processes fear and strong emotions. When we experience trauma or intense grief, our amygdala can get stuck in a loop, constantly sending danger signals even when we’re safe.
Here’s what I learned makes releasing different from just trying to “move on” or “get over it” – releasing honors the emotion first. You’re not pushing anything away. You’re actually feeling it fully, then giving it permission to move through you instead of setting up permanent residence.
I remember sitting with my grief coach, feeling frustrated because talking about my daughter’s death for the hundredth time wasn’t making the pain any lighter. He was wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but something was missing. When I discovered these releasing techniques, it was like finding the missing piece. I could use them alongside traditional therapy, and suddenly things started shifting.
The connection between our emotions and physical body is real. Grief can show up as headaches, back pain, digestive issues – your body keeps the score, as they say. These techniques work because they address both the mental and physical aspects of grief simultaneously. It’s not woo-woo stuff; there’s actual research on how EFT affects cortisol levels and how questioning our thoughts can literally rewire neural pathways.
What really convinced me was my first major release. I was doing some tapping (which I’ll explain in detail later), focusing on the guilt I felt about being at work when I got the call about my daughter. Suddenly, this wave of heat moved through my chest, I sobbed for maybe two minutes, and then… lightness. For the first time in months, I could take a full breath. That’s when I knew I was onto something that could help not just me, but others walking this impossible path.
Incorporating releasing techniques into your daily routine can significantly impact your emotional well-being and help you cope with grief.
EFT Tapping: Releasing Grief Through Meridian Points
Utilizing releasing techniques like EFT can aid in managing the emotional burden of grief. By focusing on specific memories, you can engage with these releasing techniques to effectively process your feelings.
Let me be honest – the first time someone suggested I try “tapping,” I thought they were nuts.
Picture this: I’m a grieving parent, sitting alone at my home office desk, watching YouTube videos of strangers tapping on their faces and repeating affirmations. I almost clicked away. But something urged me to give it a try—and that small act may very well have saved my sanity.
EFT, or Emotional Freedom Techniques, was developed by Gary Craig in the 1990s. It combines ancient Chinese acupressure with modern psychology, and while it looks weird, it works. The basic idea is that emotional distress causes disruptions in your body’s energy system, and tapping on specific meridian points while focusing on the emotion helps restore balance.
Here’s the basic sequence I learned, and trust me, you don’t have to be perfect with it. Start by rating your emotional intensity from 0-10 (mine was always a 12 in those early days). Then tap with two fingers on these points while talking about your pain:
The karate chop point (side of your hand) – this is where you set it up. I’d say something like “Even though I’m drowning in grief and can’t imagine life without Kailey, I deeply love and accept myself.” Yeah, I didn’t believe it at first either. That’s okay.
Then you move through the points: eyebrow, side of eye, under eye, under nose, chin, collarbone, under arm, and top of head. At each point, you tap 5-7 times while saying a reminder phrase. Mine were raw: “This unbearable grief,” “I can’t believe she is gone,” “Why did this happen?”
Utilizing releasing techniques like EFT can aid in managing the emotional burden of grief. By focusing on specific memories, you can engage with these releasing techniques to effectively process your feelings.
The beauty of EFT for grief is you can get specific. Guilt was my biggest demon. “I should have known something was wrong,” “I should have called her that day,” “I’m her father, I should have protected her.” Each thought got its own round of tapping. Sometimes I’d modify the statements mid-round as new aspects came up.
One of my early misconceptions was thinking I needed to tap away every feeling—including my love for my daughter—along with the pain. Thankfully, it doesn’t work that way. Tapping helps release the suffering, not the love. I had to learn that missing my daughter and loving her are two different things. The pain of missing her is real, but the love I carry is what continues to heal me.
The real breakthrough happened when I began tapping on specific memories, not just the general ache of “I miss Kailey.” I tapped on moments like missing her infectious smile or the way her goofiness could make me laugh, no matter my mood. Focusing on these concrete memories allowed me to release the pain tied to each one, moment by moment. Specific memories, specific pain points, specific releases.
Some days I’d tap for five minutes, other days for half an hour. There’s no right or wrong. I’d tap in my car, in the shower (carefully), or just laying in bed on those sleepless nights. It became my go-to when grief ambushed me in the grocery store or during a work meeting.
Here’s something nobody really talks about—sometimes, tapping can make you feel worse before it makes you feel better. I remember one session where I focused on my anger that this should never have happened. It left me raging and sobbing at my desk. But afterward, I noticed the anger had finally moved through me, instead of staying bottled up inside. That’s the difference: the emotion rises to the surface so it can be released, not to torment you forever.
The Sedona Method: Letting Go Through Simple Questions
If EFT is like emotional acupuncture, the Sedona Method is like meditation’s practical cousin.
I made this discovery three months into my tapping journey, when I connected with a woman in an online Tony Robbins community who had also endured the unimaginable loss of a child. Despite losing her son two years earlier, she radiated a sense of peace that seemed impossible under the circumstances. When I asked how she managed it, she quietly shared her secret: “I learned how to let go.”
My first thought? “I don’t want to let go. Holding onto pain means holding onto my daughter.” Maybe you’re thinking the same thing. But here’s what Lester Levenson (who created this method) understood – we’re not letting go of love or memories. We’re releasing our desperate grasp on suffering.
The method is stupidly simple. Five questions that sound too basic to work:
- What am I feeling right now?
- Can I welcome/allow this feeling?
- Could I let it go?
- Would I let it go?
- When?
That’s it. No tapping, no complicated procedures. Just questions.
My first attempt went like this: “What am I feeling? Rage at the universe for taking my baby. Can I allow this? Hell no. Could I let it go? Absolutely not. Would I? Never. When? When hell freezes over.”
The woman leading the session smiled. “Perfect,” she said. “Just notice that resistance. Don’t try to change it.”
This threw me. With EFT, I was actively working to shift things. With Sedona, I was just… noticing. Allowing. Not forcing.
The magic happened around week three of daily practice. I was working with the thought “I can’t be happy without Kailey.” Could I let it go? My mind said no, but my body suddenly relaxed. Would I? “Maybe,” I heard myself say. When? “Now.”
And something released. Not my love for Kailey, not my memories, but that specific thought that was keeping me in prison. I could actually feel it leave my body, like a fist unclenching in my chest.
The Sedona Method taught me the difference between pain and suffering. Pain is “I miss my daughter.” Suffering is “I’ll never be happy again.” Pain is “I wish she were here.” Suffering is “My life is over.” See the difference? We can’t release the first because love creates that pain. But the second? That’s optional.
Releasing techniques help you differentiate between the pain of loss and the suffering that can accompany it. This understanding can be a vital part of your healing journey. As you explore these releasing techniques, remember that it’s not about forgetting your loved one but about transforming your relationship with grief.
I developed a morning practice. Green drink in hand, I’d sit with whatever feeling was strongest. Sometimes it was guilt about laughing at something. Sometimes fury at people complaining about their living children. Sometimes a sadness so deep I thought I’d drown. But I’d ask those questions, and more often than not, something would shift.
Here’s a weird thing – sometimes the answer to “Could I let this go?” was yes, but “Would I?” was no. That’s okay. The Method teaches you not to force. Just asking the questions creates space for release when you’re ready. Some griefs I held onto for months before I could let them go. Others surprised me by leaving quickly.
Byron Katie’s The Work: Questioning Your Painful Thoughts
“My daughter shouldn’t have died.”
This thought tortured me every waking moment for months. It seemed so obviously true that questioning it felt like betrayal. Then I found Byron Katie’s The Work, and it changed everything.
Katie’s method is based on four questions:
- Is it true?
- Can you absolutely know it’s true?
- How do you react when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without that thought?
Then comes the turnaround – finding opposites of your original statement that could be equally or more true.
I fought this process hard. My grief coach had to practically force me to try it. “My daughter shouldn’t have died” – Is it true? Every cell in my body screamed YES. Can I absolutely know it’s true? This stopped me. In the grand scheme of the universe, could I absolutely know how things should or shouldn’t be? My certainty cracked just a little.
How did I react believing she shouldn’t have died? I was at war with reality every second. Angry at God, the doctors, myself, other parents with living kids. I couldn’t function. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t find one moment of peace because reality was “wrong.”
Who would I be without that thought? This question broke me open. Without that thought, I’d still be a grieving father, but I wouldn’t be fighting reality. I could miss her without the added layer of “this is wrong.” I could even (and this felt impossible) find moments of gratitude for the 20 years we had.
The turnarounds nearly did me in. “My daughter should have died”? How could that possibly be true? But Katie teaches you to find genuine examples, not just flip words. Maybe: “My daughter should have died… because she did, and I don’t run the universe.” “My daughter should have died… because fighting reality is killing me too.” “My daughter should have died… because her death is teaching me depths of love I never knew existed.”
Please understand – these aren’t happy thoughts. They’re not about being okay with loss. They’re about finding peace within devastation. There’s a difference. These releasing techniques can also provide a sense of empowerment in your healing journey, allowing you to take an active role in processing emotions.
I started keeping a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet by my bed. Every morning, I’d write down the thought causing the most pain and work through it. “I need my daughter to come back” became “I need to come back – to life, to the present, to the living.” “Life isn’t fair” became “I’m not being fair – to myself, with these thoughts.”
Some thoughts I’ve worked on fifty times and they still feel true. That’s okay. The Work isn’t about forcing yourself to believe something different. It’s about loosening the grip of thoughts that cause suffering beyond the inevitable pain of loss.
The day I could genuinely find truth in “My daughter’s death is a gift” (because it taught me to cherish every second with loved ones, because it connected me to others in grief, because it broke my heart wide open to compassion) – that’s the day I knew healing was possible. Not moving on, not forgetting, but healing.
Integrating All Three Techniques: Creating Your Personal Practice
After months of using these techniques separately, I had an epiphany in the shower (where all great insights happen, right?). What if I combined them?
Here’s what my daily practice evolved into, and honestly, it saved my sanity. Mornings started with The Work. I’d identify whatever thought was causing the most pain – usually something that woke me at 3 AM. After working through Katie’s questions, I’d take whatever residual emotion remained and tap on it.
For example, after asking myself, “Could I have done something more to protect her?” there would still be a knot of guilt lingering in my chest. So I’d tap: “Even though I still feel guilty after questioning this thought, I deeply love and accept myself.” The combination was powerful—The Work loosened the thought’s grip, and EFT helped release the emotional charge.
Sedona Method became my throughout-the-day tool. Standing in line at Target, grief-ambushed by seeing her favorite book? Quick Sedona check-in. “What am I feeling? Crushing sadness. Can I allow it? Yes. Could I let it go? Not yet. Would I? Maybe later. When? When I’m ready.” Just that acknowledgment often shifted things enough to function.
Using releasing techniques, you can create a supportive environment for your healing journey, allowing you to process your emotions more effectively. The key is knowing which tool to grab when. Intense physical sensations or anxiety? EFT’s your friend. Stuck in mental loops of painful thoughts? Time for The Work. Just need to quickly process an emotion? Sedona’s perfect.
I created what I called my “grief first aid kit.” Phone notes with tapping points, Byron Katie’s questions, Sedona prompts. A list of specific aspects to tap on when brain fog hit. Screenshots of turnarounds that had helped before. Because grief brain is real, and you won’t remember this stuff in the moment without help.
Building a sustainable practice meant being realistic. Some days I did all three techniques for an hour. Other days, five minutes of tapping in my car was all I could manage. Both were okay. The point isn’t perfection – it’s having tools when the waves hit.
I also learned to track what worked. Anger responded best to EFT. Guilt needed The Work first. Sadness often released easily with Sedona. Your patterns might be different. Pay attention.
The magic happened around month six of consistent practice. I realized I’d gone a whole day without that suffocating chest pressure. Then a week where I laughed without immediately feeling guilty. These techniques didn’t take away my grief – they transformed my relationship with it.
Fair warning: as you start releasing, you might feel like you’re grieving “wrong” or betraying your loved one by feeling better. I tapped on this: “Even though I’m scared feeling better means I love her less…” The Work helped too: “Is feeling better betraying her? Can I absolutely know that’s true?” Spoiler: it’s not.
Common Challenges and How to Navigate Them
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room – the fear that healing means forgetting.
I’ll never forget the first time I truly laughed after Kailey passed away. I was watching a silly video of her being outrageously goofy with her sisters on vacation. For a fleeting three seconds, I laughed—then immediately broke down and sobbed for an hour. How could I possibly allow myself to laugh when my baby was gone? That wave of guilt nearly made me abandon all these healing techniques.
Here’s what I learned: releasing suffering doesn’t diminish love. If anything, it purifies it. When I stopped drowning in guilt and anger, what remained was the clean, pure love for my daughter. No static, no interference, just love. She became clearer to me, not more distant.
Working through guilt about feeling better is its own journey. I had to tap on “I don’t deserve to feel peace” probably a hundred times. The Work helped me question “Good fathers stay miserable forever after loss.” Really? Would I want that for Sarah if our positions were reversed? Hell no.
Remember, releasing techniques are tools that enable you to find peace and meaning amidst your grief.
By integrating these releasing techniques into your life, you can find a way to honor your loved ones while navigating the complexities of grief.
Then there’s the emotional releases that catch you off guard. One time I was tapping on frustration about a work thing – nothing grief-related – and suddenly I’m sobbing about missing Kailey’s hugs. Your grief is connected to everything, and these techniques can unlock unexpected doors. Keep tissues handy. Let it flow.
The “techniques stopped working” phase hit me around month four. Nothing seemed to help anymore. Turns out, I’d released the surface stuff and hit deeper layers. Like peeling an onion. The techniques weren’t broken – I just needed to go deeper. More specific with EFT. More honest with The Work. More patient with Sedona.
Family members who don’t understand can be tough. My mother told me I was “avoiding real grief” by doing “that tapping thing.” My wife worried I was joining a cult. I had to remember their discomfort with my healing was about their own fears, not my journey. I kept doing what worked and let my increasing peace speak for itself.
Some days you’ll resist everything. Can’t make yourself tap. Won’t question thoughts. Refuse to release. That’s okay too. Grief isn’t linear. Sometimes holding on is what you need. The tools will be there tomorrow.
The biggest challenge? Being patient with yourself. I wanted to be “healed” in three months. Doesn’t work that way. It’s been three years now, and I still use these techniques. Not daily anymore, but when waves hit. Because grief doesn’t end – it transforms. And these tools help it transform into something bearable, even meaningful.
Remember, seeking additional support isn’t failure. I kept my therapist throughout this journey. These techniques supplemented professional help, not replaced it. If you’re having thoughts of joining your loved one, please reach out for help immediately. These tools are powerful, but they’re not meant to handle everything alone.
Conclusion:
By integrating these releasing techniques into your life, you can find a way to honor your loved ones while navigating the complexities of grief. Remember, releasing techniques are tools that enable you to find peace and meaning amidst your grief.
These three releasing techniques – EFT tapping, the Sedona Method, and Byron Katie’s The Work – offered me something I thought impossible: a way to honor my daughter’s memory while releasing the suffering that was destroying me. They taught me that letting go of pain doesn’t mean letting go of love.
If you’re in the depths of grief, please know that relief is possible. Not a relief that erases your loss or minimizes your love, but one that allows you to breathe again, to find meaning in your pain, and perhaps even to help others as you continue your healing journey. Start with just one technique, be patient with yourself, and remember – your loved one would want you to find peace.
